Can’t wait to post the very exciting story of my journey to the heart of the midwest! Tonight, if I don’t get distracted. Meanwhile, here’s some of that hearty Kansas imagery to whet your appetite…
The single least kosher bagel in existence:
(That’s cheddar cheese and bacon. Actually, I guess if you really wanted to, you could top it with lobster salad, or something.)
And the cake I’m going to get Vivid Booby for his birthday this year:
The Dusty Bookshelf in Kansas was a veritable cornucopia of “somebody’s wife” books - almost a third of which were totally found by me myself, despite dirty rumors to the contrary.
New Year’s Eve Status Report is late, but I’ve been in Kansas for the past week or so, and they don’t get the internet there.
This was Ian’s idea, incidentally. We were nudie-ish.
(If you look closely, which I highly encourage, you can see the waistband of Ian’s underpants in the snow there. He’s the one on the right, who had the guts to put his head down, as well as his heinie.)
Anyway, I think two years in a row officially counts as a “tradition.” Woot!
I want to write a post about the top something somethings of 2008! But I don’t know what they will be.
Ian’s suggestion: Top Ten Erwins of ‘08!
10.
9.
8.
7. This one, “because he’s all warm and sleepy and you can do anything to him, like a roofied sorority girl,” Ian says.
Hrm. New topic.
Top Ten Arguements We Are HAving Right Now:
10. Is Erwin naughty, or a clever sentinel?
(Based on this evidence where he appears to have half-sneaked out of the house while the door was accidentally left partway open, which was EXTREMELY NAUGHTY, but I guess at least he didn’t completely run away and die forever? And then he meowed at us to let us know the door was open, because he is a sentinel maybe?)
9. “I’m gonna dip my balls in it”: is that from that one Beastie Boys album, where that one guy was all like, “If it’s gonna be that kinda party, I’m gonna dip MY balls in the MASHED POTATOES!” or was it from the State, where there was $240 worth of pudding, and Barry and Levon wanted to dip their balls in it? (Extra credit: did one lead to the other? Or were they two naturally occurring examples of ball-dipping?)*
9.5: (Ian dips his balls in it:)
8. Who drank all my wine? I say Ian. Ian says Erwin.
7.
“What are you making me for dinner?”
“Butter noodles with parsley and parmesan.”
“Is that parsley still good?”
[heavy sigh] “Okay. Gardenburgers?”
“Well, no! I don’t want anything if you’re going to sigh at me!”
“I didn’t sigh at you!”
“I’ll make dinner.”
“I don’t want your food.”
“Fine; you can’t have any, anyway.”
“I’m making Gardenburgers and edamame.”
“I don’t want it.”
[Both cross arms furiously; no one eats anything.]
Top Ten Handsome Ians:
10.
9.
8. Gay French Hat!
**
7. Ian gets his PhD:
6. Ian dips his balls in it!
5. Monster’s-eye view of Handsome Ian:
3. Ian goes to HSM3:
2. Okay, let’s be frank, we know who’s cute here.
Top Ten AMAZING WOUNDS
* UPDATE! Actually, apparently it was Louie.
** Technically, this picture is from 2007.
Lame! Jezebel was only PG-13! And they totally talk about doin’ it all the time! Plus, this site claims that my R-rating is due not to my near-constant use of the word “fuck,” but because I used the word “drugs” three times (really?), “crappy” twice, and “suck” once. WTF? Where all my “fucks” at?
Suck suck suck!
So, after getting something like 10 inches of snow over two or three days last week, Christmas and the day before it were both in the 50s. Take that, little dying girl. —Ahhh, damnit. So, wait. Once again, cnn has done that thing where they have this utterly ridiculous headline on the front page - “Little dying girl gets white Christmas” - and then on the inside page they’ve changed it to something slightly less ridiculous - “Ill child gets a white Christmas.” Which, even still, not news. But it was funnier the other way.
Sigh. It’s still funny when I stop to explain the joke, right? Especially if the joke sort of no longer exists?
Anyway. All our snow melted.
How handsome is my boyfriend! (This is to redeem him after those Steve shots from the other day.)
Touching up the snowbeings one final time…
…before the melt. Ah, poor snowbeings.
Thus is the circle of life.
…Oh no! SHE WON’T DIE!
I love how, sometimes, when you buy stuff on ebay drunkenly and then forget that you’ve done so, it arrives, and it’s like a surprise Christmas present to yourself!
Drunken ebay shopping me got me Rosie Grier’s “Needlepoint for Men!” Thanks, drunken me! Check out this awesome pattern for a “covered brick.” This is apparently what men do when they needlepoint.
Anyway, you’ll never guess who stopped by to spend the holidays with us, and borrow twenty dollars.
See, Steve’s cousin is going to start growing pot in his barn, and he’s gonna get Steve a real sweet job selling at the middle school, but Steve just needs a few bucks to get a new carburetor on his van so that he can get to Wichita by Thursday. Man, Steve’s old lady sure was upset about that whole thing with her brother’s doberman-pit mix, but that wasn’t Steve’s fault none. That dog wanted that bologna real bad! How was Steve supposed to know that that bologna had been laced with gunpowder as some sort of funny joke they were playing on the rats that had made a nest in their step-dad’s Impala? Anyway, Steve thinks you’re lookin’ real good there, you know? How old are you now, anyway? You’re almost all grown! Steve bets you have lots of boyfriends, huh? Hey, have you ever tried Smirnoff before? It’s pretty high-octane stuff. Listen, don’t tell your mom about this, now, huh?
Oh, Steve, you’re incorrigible. Please get off my couch.
Did you know that in ancient Egypt, sphinxes were actually meant as protective talismans to defend snowpeople from six year old hooligans?
No? Well, they were! Though, to be fair, a sphinx does love to pose for a good party pic. Woop woop!!! (Don’t tell him that his haunches look big in this photo.)
Fight the good fight, sphinxy. Let no brats desecrate this snowy ground.
This is the story of the Great Nor’easter of aught-eight. Why, back then we used to make a little thing we called “snowladies.” Snowladies were fine entertainment back then, if you couldn’t get to a taffy-pull or whatnot. This here is the tale of the birth, death, and zombie rebirth of our’n.
Snowlady in progress. Doesn’t she look kind of like that big Rodin statue of Balzac in the MoMA?
I am relatively certain that this is only snowlady construction here, not a dirty joke.
She turned out pretty much the best snowperson I’ve ever made. There was, first of all, just so much snow. It snowed and snowed and snowed and snowed, and we were kind of the only people outside, so no one else was there to steal it from us or muck it up with sleds or anything. (It wasn’t even that late - I think we were building from like 8 to midnight, or so.) And also, I suspect the snowplow guys were watching out for us. A couple of them honked and waved, and once or twice we were pretty sure one of them was going to turn down our street and mess up our supply, but then they didn’t. They turned in the other direction. I think it was on purpose. Like, everybody was feelin’ the spirit, or whatever. She looks especially tall because we built her on sort of a ledge up from the sidewalk, but even minus the ledge, she’s probably four or five feet tall.
While we were building her, we were referring to her as Simone de Snowvoir, but once we finished her, she was so magical and lovely and loved by snowplowmen and everyone that we decided to name her the Venus de Providence.
Awwwww. Who could ever harm a face like that???
WELL, SOME ASSHOLE COULD, I CAN ASSURE YOU.
This was what she looked like by the time we woke up! We strongly suspect the little horror-children from next door. They’re like six or so, and pretty much the only children in the neighborhood. It could have been college kids, of course, but we don’t think so. First, because of that re-made face there in the belly, at about child-height. That kind of looks like the kind of face a little kid would make, right? And second, because there was at least one long gouge in the side of the body, as if it had been hit with a bat or stick. There is a big fat fucking pipe laying in the neighbor’s yard, next to a shovel, as though their father was out shoveling their driveway and they got bored and were fucking around unsupervised, ruining things. And third, because the boobs hadn’t been vandalized at all. I think a drunken college student would have vandalized the boobs first.
So. It was still snowing. We had the technology. We rebuilt her.
But she came back…wrong.
The Venus de Providence is no more! Long live the SnowDemon of Providence!
ATTENTION all Kansans and surrounding Shenas! We will be infesting your living area from January 1st to January 5th! Much holiday-type fun will be attempted!
(Incredibly depressing celebration illustration via google’s Life photo searches - this is, literally, the single only photo they had for “Chanukah.”)
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